the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
