3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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