so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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