What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
