You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
