There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
