i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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