I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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