Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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