I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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