So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
