i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's official drugs can't kill me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
