good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
