You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
