I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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