So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
