So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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