3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
