I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
