I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My feet surprised me
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