At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
