If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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