i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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