Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
