You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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