im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.