my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale