i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
We got so high we made milksteak
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
