and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
