Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
