i think my mom watched the whole time
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
