Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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