dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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