I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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