Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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