sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
