I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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