Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
