C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
