Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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