If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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