and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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