I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize