ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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