you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
