I wish I only lived at night.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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