is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
