my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
