he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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