I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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