I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
honey bunches of taint.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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