I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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