I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
