it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
